Beyond Zeal and Rapacity
by NarcissaBlackLilyEvans
Summary: Kathryn Janeway has many secrets, such as her repressed lesbian sexuality. She is about to take command of the USS Voyager on a mission to help the stranded Maquis ship. Set prior and during the first season of Voyager. Janeway/Torres pairing.
1. Chapter 1: The Eve of the Voyage

**Chapter 1:** **The Eve of the Voyage**

Kathryn Janeway sighed as she swirled the delicate glass of wine below her nose, smelling the pristine scent of Chianti before tipping the glass to her eager lips, allowing the nectar to flow into her being. The unfinished French meal lay on the table before her but she ignored it as she reached to pour another share of wine. Her thoughts drifted to her earlier conversation with Admiral Patterson and the pressing situation the Federation now found itself in: "a group of separatists from the colonies lining the Cardassian border initiated a war, straining relations between the Cardassian and Federation, and these rebel 'Maquis' needed to be stopped at _all costs_."

Kathryn recalled her discomfort at the Admiral's tone when he implored her to stop the Maquis at "all costs," and as she sat sipping her wine, she pondered on the endless levels of what that could entail. Surely he didn't expect her to simply fire upon Maquis ships without attempts at diplomatic negotiations. No, she wouldn't do that, even if the Admiral asked it of her, or even commanded it of her. It was against her morals, her conceived ideologies, and atop of all of that, a personal friend from Starfleet Academy was acting as a spy on the Maquis convoy ship. The more she thought about Tuvok's sacrifice, the more determined she was to engage in any peaceful and diplomatic means to solve the turmoil rather than turn to violence and warfare.

Kathryn felt a wave of anxiety at the flow of negative thoughts on "what ifs" and became convinced that this was not how she should spend her last night before beginning full-time duty as Captain. Settling on Jazz tunes from the twentieth century, she cleared her mind of the Federation and simply enjoyed the upbeat music while working at the delicious wine. It was after two more glasses that she began to feel the effects: she was far more relaxed than she had felt in months and she smiled as she lazily wallowed upon the couch. Her thoughts began drifting thinking of moments in her life that she could never return, yet enviously and desperately wished she could relive them. Her thoughts fell upon Anita and the innocent moments they shared together while discovering each other's bodies in the privacy of their living quarters, or in the hidden corners of society where no one would glance at in ordinary circumstances. She daren't allow her mind to drift any further than the happy memories her and Anita shared; no, she would not venture into the painful circumstances that tore her first lover from her life.

Sighing away her loneliness, she poured herself the remaining contents of the Chianti and consumed it in hopes to drown the sorrows of her life. The drunken certainty that would await her was well worth her efforts and she stumbled towards her bed. She could smell the alcohol in her breath but what did it matter, she would certainly be sober by noon when reporting for duty. The drunken stupor she found herself in and the thought of Federation duty made her laugh: what would the Admirals and all her subordinate officers think if they saw her like this? The responsible Kathryn Janeway, always the top of her class and even graduated with full honors from the Federation Academy, about to embark on a Space Odyssey to prevent a galactic war as Captain of the USS Voyager, was undeniably and irresponsibly drunk. She laughed hysterically at the thought because she knew deep down inside that no one would ever know this side of her. Her façade was so perfect that no one could ever have hope of knowing the real her.

Kathryn looked towards her nightstand and despite her intensely blurred vision she found what she was looking for. Her thoughts drifted back to the happy times with Anita, back to her own discovery of her sexual prowess and desire for women. She pushed past her repressed sexuality, pushed past the pain and agony, until she found that place where she could be who she is without her mind taunting her. She was wet already, her body was eager to be touched there and she gasped as her hand traveled the length of her torso, past the mound of welcoming hair to her salivating member. She had to be careful not to finish too soon.

She sensually removed her clothing before feeling her own body react under her own touch and grasps. She moaned to herself, imagining a unique mix between Anita and a woman of her own imagination touching her instead. Her hand glided down her stomach slowly and her hips thrust up, desperate for attention. It was here, in this nude and desperate state that Kathryn reached for the dildo she had grabbed earlier from the nightstand. With drunken determination to aim for the best orgasm she could attain, she spread her legs wide and welcomed the head of the dildo to her wet opening. In a paintbrush fashion, she spread her wetness up towards her clit with the head of the dildo and circled at the throbbing member. Groaning at the desperately needed contact, Kathryn's left hand reached her clit and toyed with it sensitively until steadily increasing the circular rhythm. She gasped at the amalgamation of her juices on her clit and moved her hand down to her entrance. Oh, she was beyond ready.

Panting, she positioned the dildo and slowly submerged it into her.

"Fuck," she moaned as the girth stretched her walls. She was so tight, having not used a dildo in months. The dildo was half-way in and Kathryn felt as if she couldn't take any more into her. She slowly pulled it out and saw that her juices had inundated the dildo entirely. _Fuck._She pushed the dildo back in with a slightly harder force; it slid in smoothly hitting her nerves and sending waves of pleasure throughout her body. She groaned aloud, pulling the dildo slowly in and out of her. Determined to achieve the full length of the dildo, she breathed in hard before pushing the length all the way into her. She screamed in great pain and indescribable pleasure. She panted, laying there with the dildo fully immersed into her and after several moments of recovery, she set to work.

She created a slow rhythm at first, pushing the dildo in and out of her while avoiding her G-spot. She didn't want to cum so soon and after being sexually repressed for months, she knew her body would orgasm quickly. She needed to make this last. She would rather have one amazing orgasm to remember as Captain than multiple quick orgasms that aren't worth recalling.

Breathing hard as the dildo pulsed into her, her hips rocked to her own established rhythm and she cocked her head back in pleasure, allowing herself to groan aloud. She continued to avoid touching her clit and tried desperately to avoid striking her G-spot, but simply allowed the motions of the dildo to challenge her walls and bring her as much pre-orgasm pleasure as she could possibly gain. Her mind began to drift to her fantasies, now that she had begun a rhythm, and she wondered who she should masturbate to. In a moment, she had decided without a doubt that she wanted to fantasize on a sexually aggressive Klingon female and a generic image came to her mind. She bit her lip at the challenge of fucking herself the way a klingon woman could.

She picked up the pace, the dildo vibrating in and out of her. It hit her G-spot, "Fucckkk," she moaned and quickened her pace even more. Her arm was beginning to cramp but she fought through the pain as she slammed the dildo hard and deep within her. "Uhhhhh," she groaned as the dildo struck her G-spot again. Vivid mental construction of a klingon female fucking her consumed her mind and the more she became involved with her fantasy, the more aroused she became. She was the wettest she had been in years and she angled the dildo into her G-spot, hitting it with every stroke.

"UHhhhh, Fuccckkkkkk," she moaned and groaned aloud. "uhhhhh…UUHHHHH ..."

Waves of pleasure circulated throughout her body. Her right hand was busy thrusting the dildo deep into her and she felt herself coming close to orgasm. Her left hand migrated its way to her clit, rubbing it fervidly and in sync with the rhythm of the dildo. She was groaning so loud she could barely hear the sounds of the dildo entering and escaping her entrance amidst her flowing wetness. Her hips were bucking wildly at the double stimuli. She increased the circling motion of her left hand and savagely thrust the dildo deep into her and out at such a fast and fervid pace that her internal nerves were rapidly firing beams of pleasure throughout her body. She was so close, so _uhhhhh_close.

Her walls began collapsing around the dildo and she slowed her clitoral circulation as she reached the commencement of her orgasm. Her hips bucked wildly as she rammed the dildo so far in, pulling it all the way out and thrusting it all the way back in as her walls engorged the girth of her tool. She moaned instinctively in release, mumbling unknown phrases and groaning at the roughness of the deep penetration. With a final thrust of the dildo deep into her being, she collapsed on the bed as her arms and legs turned to jelly.

She was panting from the intenseness of her masturbation session and moaning softly from the continued waves of pleasure she felt. Her walls were still contracting upon the inserted dildo and she pulled it out, sending a wave of juices flowing out of her. "Uhhh," she groaned and lay sprawled on the bed in a lazy manner. She could only imagine what it would be like fucking a real female Klingon and she smiled to herself as she lay completely exhausted.

In less than seven hours, she would have to report as Captain of the USS Voyager and she had no doubt that she would be in her best mood after experiencing such a compelling orgasm. She sighed at the thought and then felt a churn in her heart and a feeling of loneliness. Her heart wanted a lover, deeply and passionately, yet her mind knew better. She would be Captain of an entire crew, when would she have time for love? And she couldn't date any of her crewmen; that would be unprofessional. As she always did in times where she felt this way, she suppressed her deepest desires with the reminder of her duties to the Federation, to her crewmen, and to all those in the Universe whom she had a moral duty to help. She sighed at her self-sacrifice and accepted her abnegation of erotic lesbian sexual affairs for the sake of a greater cause. Besides, she was the master of her dreams and no one could take them away from her.

She forced her eyes closed and after what seemed like hours, she drifted to a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2: Chakotay's Plead

**Chapter 2: Chakotay's plead**

This was hell, she was sure of it.

Perhaps she had died during the preceding events centering on the Ocampa, or a Maquis had assassinated her in her sleep. No, she had died long ago on Earth while in Star Fleet Academy when Anita felt being with a woman was neither emotionally, mentally, nor sexually satisfying or fulfilling in the way that a man could be. Years later Anita realizes that fact: years of romantic exchanges and intimate sexual rendezvous, years of close camaraderie and endless memories, all of it delegitimized by Anita's declaration. Yes, that is when Kathryn died and entered hell. These past several days were just her descending into the deeper circles of hell.

Not that such details mattered at this point, no. She was damned to suffer, and that was the reality of her trivial life. _What was she thinking when she destroyed the caretaker's array? _She had blasted the single hope they had to return to Federation territory and to Earth, her home. _And for what?_ To possibly spare Ocampan lives in case the Kazon gained control of the array and used it maliciously against the Ocampan. What did _she_care? Not only had she boldly neglected the Federation's prime directive by involving the Federation in what would be labeled as a civil war, but she damned her whole crew to become stranded in the middle of uncharted territory without communication with the Federation and its allies.

"Fuck," she screamed, slamming her fists on the desk.

Her "high morality" had condemned her crew. She could only imagine the emotions each of them were feeling, and would continue to feel without hope to return home. This was all her fault and although she wanted to express, or feel, remorse for saving the Ocampan people at the hands of her crew, she knows she doesn't. The only thing she regrets is involving the Voyager crew in the consequences to her actions.

A ring echoed in her room and she looked annoyingly towards the door. _Really?_She sighed hard, sat up straight in her chair and finally voiced her recognition, "Come in."

Chakotay walked through the doors wearing his first officer's uniform. It was the first time she had seen Chakotay since assigning him to that position and she couldn't help but notice how good the uniform looked on him, compared to the battered clothes of the Maquis.

"What can I help you with?"

"I'd like to speak to you," he momentarily paused to take several steps towards the quiescent Captain, "about the potential candidates for the Chief of Engineering position."

"Oh?" Kathryn motioned for him to sit down. She could tell there was reluctance in his voice and she arched her eyebrows in anticipation.

"Well," Chakotay cleared his throat, "I'd like to recommend B'Elanna Torres for the position."

"B'Elanna Torres?" Kathryn eyed him suspiciously, "wasn't she the one involved in that incident with Lieutenant Carey?"

Chakotay averted his eyes to the ground. _Shit. That bloody Vulcan went behind my back and told her. I bet he painted a real nice picture of Lieutenant Carey being the victim to B'Elanna's fury and didn't even bother mentioning what Carey had done to her that made her react that way. _Chakotay suppressed the anger rising in his throat. His people were getting bullied by these uncompassionate Starfleet officers and he was their only protection.

"Yes," he finally responded, "the very same."

Kathryn couldn't believe her ears. Was her newly appointed Commanding Officer attempting to convince her that a violent crewmember was _his recommendation_for a position where they would have lead and delegate a whole department? She was having doubts on appointing him as Commander if he was so blinded by his biases and preconceived notions of the Maquis.

"Out of the question," she declared.

"Captain…" he interjected, "she's the best engineer I know…"

"And do you expect me to base chief officers on _your _perceptions?" Kathryn eyed him dangerously, daring him to press the matter further.

"No," Chakotay said in defeat. He could tell by her tone that she was extremely annoyed and he didn't want to jeopardize B'Elanna's chance by pushing her too far. However, this may be his only chance to speak up before she officially appointed Lieutenant Carey. "Permission to speak freely?"

Kathryn glared into his dark eyes, searching for his motivations. He stood unwavering and she finally submitted: "Go ahead."

"I know B'Elanna personally, more than anyone else on this ship, in fact; and I know that she would never have acted that way if she had been treated with the respect that she deserves. I'm not justifying her actions, but I am saying that perhaps you should instigate an investigation as to what pushed her so that her Klingon instincts took control of her rational conscience…"

Kathryn quickly turned her head at the last statement. "Klingon?"

"Yes, Captain." Chakotay could sense the change in demeanor and quickly jumped on the opportunity. "She's half-Klingon and half-human, in fact. She studied at Starfleet Academy and if you look up her records, you will see she had quite an impressive Academic resume…"

"I was under the impression that she didn't finish," Kathryn cut him off, "dropped out after the second year…"

"You would have never known that fact if you saw her working in the Engineering room. She's a natural and extremely intelligent, quick on her feet and hard working. She knows the warp core like the back of her hand and she's saved my crew on more than one occasion…"

Kathryn was skeptical and it was etched all over her face. None of his arguments were persuasive, nor was in coming close to convincing her that B'Elanna Torres was ready to lead the Engineering department. So B'Elanna was the best engineer he's ever seen, but it's not like he's had extensive experience dealing with Engineers. After all, Chakotay himself dropped out from the Federation and pursued a life with the Maquis until being amalgamated with the Voyager crew.

"Please, Kathryn, give her a chance…" Chakotay looked pleadingly at her.

She didn't like that he addressed her by her first name on duty, but didn't feel the need to correct him. He knew better, he was just buttering her up as much as he could.

"I'm not promising anything," she stated and glowered at him with the most austere look she could muster. "I'll meet with her this afternoon; finally put a face to the name. Dismissed, Commander."

Chakotay nodded and walked out of the Captain's ready room with a smile spread widely across his face. He was definitely in the perfect mood to begin his duty as commander on the deck of the Voyager. Kathryn shook her head, knowing full well she had just appeased Chakotay for his sake. She sighed and walked over to the replicator.

"Coffee, Black."

The mug of her favorite past-time activity appeared and her eyes glistened at the anticipation of her morning fill. She gulped down a large portion of the drink and groaned in relief. It had been several hours too long since her last cup and she suddenly felt elated at the rush of caffeine surging through her needing body. She sat down at her desk and gazed at the stars, contemplating Chakotay's absurd request. If she didn't feel it was essential to trust her first officer, despite being newly appointed and an ex-member of the Maquis, she would have dismissed the suggestion with a wave of her hand. But, he had insisted, more than once. She rolled her eyes in submission, ignoring her Captain instincts to simply appoint Lieutenant Carey because he was the next in line, and finished the rest of the cup of coffee while searching the computer database on her desk for all information regarding B'Elanna Torres. Her Starfleet Academy record, for having only been there for two years, was filled with more documentation than was conventional. Now, suddenly curious, she ordered another cup of coffee to get her through such a tedious task and began reading.

B'Elanna's life was quite fascinating. She had been born to a Klingon mother, Miral, and a human father, John Torres. She had been raised in various galactic settings, including a Federation colony, Kessik IV, and the Klingon home world, Qo'noS, before she joined Starfleet Academy and moved to Earth. She was actively involved in the decathlon team, which Kathryn found admirable. Her two years had been rather rough with regards to Academic discipline, but she attained high marks in all of her subjects. She had been suspended for attempting to fight a male student in Astrotheory 101 Lab, to which the Professor remarked that the male had been taunting her and she resorted to violence in revenge. Her high marks in Engineering must have been due to her interest, for it was towards the end of her second year that she applied as an Engineering emphasis. She began taking warp-core engineering with Professor Chapman who deemed her as one of the brightest students he ever had the pleasure of teaching. It was at around this time that she withdrew from Starfleet Academy. Kathryn noticed a letter placed in her file by Chapman stating that if she were to ever re-apply, he would welcome her with open arms. If Kathryn remembered hearing anything about Professor Chapman, it was that he was a strict and difficult teacher to please. Whatever B'Elanna had done in his class left quite an impression upon Chapman, that much was clear.

Kathryn sat back, having finished looking through B'Elanna's report, and mused on her findings. As a Captain, she held serious doubts on considering her as Chief Engineer. Not only did she fail to complete Starfleet Academy, but she had never served duty aboard a galaxy class star ship until now. She clearly didn't seem aware of Federation protocol, as she disobeyed the simplest of rules to not physically harm a crewmember. How could she, as Captain, even consider someone so foreign to Federation's protocols to be leader of competent crewmembers? It was absurd thinking, and yet she couldn't help but feel curious. She sighed and allowed Kathryn to take over Captain Janeway's stream of thoughts.

B'Elanna was half-Klingon and half-human. Kathryn wondered what she looked like. She was generally attracted to Klingon females, especially their sexual aggressiveness and long flowing manes. She was especially attracted to human females. Would B'Elanna have the best of both worlds? And why did she quit Starfleet Academy? What had happened? Could she control her Klingon aggression as a member of this crew? Chakotay seems to think so. What _really_happened down in Engineering between her and Carey?

With ambivalent feelings, Kathryn reached for her combadge.

"Janeway to Lieutenant Torres."

"Yes, Captain?"

Her voice was melodious and feminine, and it took effort for Kathryn to suppress the sensations building in her chest, "I'd like you to meet me in my ready room, 0300 hours."

"Yes, Captain." B'Elanna's voice sounded worried. Certainly she should be, Kathryn thought, she did  
>attempt to maul her senior officer several hours prior. Kathryn tapped off her combadge and sat back down on her desk. Determined, she re-opened Tuvok's security report and began re-reading the documentation. Nowhere does it record B'Elanna's side of the story. Kathryn would have to have a talk with Tuvok about submitting reports that are not fully completed. She read down to the part where Lieutenant Carey describes B'Elanna as being aggressive and pushing him around. Kathryn had to stop reading to focus herself after her mind began drifting into thoughts she should only indulge in her leisure. She sighed; <em>it was going to be a long day.<em>


	3. Chapter 3: B'Elanna Torres

**Chapter 3: B'Elanna Torres  
><strong>  
>Her door rang just as she finished her last bite of the twentieth-century Italian pasta she had ordered from the replicator. She quickly wiped her mouth, disposed of the tray, and commanded whoever was behind the door to enter.<p>

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok raised his eyebrows at her, "am I intruding, Captain?"

"Not at all," Kathryn said, motioning him in, "I'm glad that you're here. I want to have a word with you."

"Very well," Tuvok began, "but I must first inform you that I am to escort B'Elanna Torres to your ready room in…"

"That won't be necessary, Lieutenant," Kathryn dismissed any signs of objections with a wave of her hand. "Speak of the devil…"

Tuvok's eyebrow arched curiously at the metaphor.

"I want to discuss your report regarding the incident between Lieutenant Carey and Lieutenant Torres."

Kathryn would have offered him to sit, but she knew him far too well to know that he preferred to stand. He stood and waited patiently for Kathryn to continue.

"When I read over your report, I didn't see anything on what B'Elanna had to say regarding the incident. I'm unsure as to why you would leave that out of your report before handing it in…"

"Excuse me, Captain, but I presumed that since she is hardly an officer of the Federation, that filing a report which is meant for Federation Officers would have been…counterproductive."

Tuvok's attempt to delegitimize Torres as a Federation Officer struck a nerve in her and she snapped, "Lieutenant, your duty is to submit accurate and complete security reports on incidents that happen on the ship, not to arbitrate on who is a starfleet officer and who isn't. This report is inaccurate without B'Elanna's testimony and it's unlike you to submit half-done security logs …"

Tuvok looked stoic, as he always did, "I'm sorry, Captain. I can return to Engineering and finish the security report properly…"

"No, you're dismissed for the day," Kathryn said and sighed, "I know all of this must be very stressful for you, Tuvok…"

"Stress is a human emotion that Vulcans do not experience," Tuvok interjected, staring down at her with his hands clasped behind his back. Kathryn wasn't certain, but she guessed Tuvok would be very annoyed if he wasn't socialized to suppress his emotions.

"I want you to take the rest of the day off, enjoy some leisure time. You haven't had a day off since the mission with the Maquis. Maybe you could use this time to catch up on your meditation…"

"Very well, Captain," Tuvok nodded once and Kathryn felt that he was simply appeasing her. She dismissed him and watched as he walked towards the door. He may appear impervious, but Kathryn knew better of her long-time friend. The doors shifted open and revealed an approaching engineer officer who looked questioningly between the Vulcan and the Captain. Kathryn unconsciously bit her lip at the approaching Klingon-human hybrid, her eyes shifting between her beautiful forehead to those filled lips and even managing a quick examination of her heaving breasts.

"You asked to see me, Captain."

_Oh yes I did. _Kathryn fought against every impulse firing within her, nodded in response half-afraid that a verbal one would reveal far too much than she could allow. She meticulously observed how the engineer gracefully walked into the room. Tuvok, the only presence who could easily remind her of her duties, walked away leaving her to battle between her deepest fantasies and her lifetime's achievement: her Captainship and all the duties it involves. The engineer slowly sat down in the chair across from her and Kathryn could feel the effects deep within. _Focus, Kathryn, focus._

Once seated, B'Elanna immediately looks flustered and rapidly begins trying to justify the events of the past several days, "I want you to know that I have personally gone through every remitter relay again and refitted four of them myself."

Kathryn had been shifting in and out of cloud nine, but was immediately brought back to the harsh reality that they were stuck in the middle of nowhere, all thanks to her own actions, and the engineering department was blaming themselves for failing to repair warp drive. It was almost comical that they should blame themselves over her failures, as if repairing warp drive in a matter of days could get them home any sooner. No, even at warp nine it would take almost two decades. She wanted to laugh at B'Elanna's apology because it was so trivial to the deepest sorrows that Kathryn had to face every day. But no one could ever know that: a Captain could never allow the morale of the crew to descend from knowing their Captain had failed. Best to lie, after all: ignorance is bliss.

"No one blames you for what happened," Kathryn said, allowing her Captain intuitions to take over. "No one could have foreseen this, and so long as you are all working hard to restore warp drive, I see no reason for you to apologize…"

"It's just…" B'Elanna rolls her eyes up, as if trying to literally search for the words that aren't easily forming upon her skull, "I'm not used to…not having a solution for an engineering problem."

Kathryn smirked. _So we have a perfectionist on our hands_. She reminded her of herself, or of her younger self who wanted to be the top of her class, wanted to know all the answers, wanted to be the best and gave up so much socialization time to be that person. It all allowed her to become a female Captain of a federation flagship, something that not a lot of women could call themselves, and she felt damn proud of that. All those qualities she valued, she could smell on B'Elanna. They were embedded deep within this klingon.

"I understand," Kathryn confessed and by the look in B'Elanna's eyes, she understood. "I know you must feel as if you've somehow damned our ship by not restoring it, and you need to recognize that this isn't true. If anything's damned the ship, it's by my actions, you understand?"

B'Elanna nodded. Kathryn suddenly had the desire to learn everything about this Klingon-human hybrid. She wanted to pick apart her brain, understand every thought that's ever coursed through her mind, every emotion that's flooded her veins, and every action that's produced sweat from her pores and tears in her eyes. She sighed a heavy sigh, releasing as much of that desire into the air as possible. B'Elanna noticed, and Kathryn was sure that she assumed it was due to her frustration at B'Elanna's pity-party. Better her to assume that, than to perceive unprofessionalism.

"Commander Chakotay thinks very highly of you," Kathryn immediately changed the subject, "in fact, he's recommended you for Chief engineer."

B'Elanna wore a stunned expression for a moment before she closed her gaping mouth and nodded subtly, "well, we have been through a few scrapes together…"

"Oh?" Kathryn arched her eyebrow in curiosity. This was one of those appropriate times where she could get away with delving into B'Elanna's personal past. _I'm asking for the sake of the Federation, _she desperately tried to convince herself. Oh hell, what did it matter anyways? They were stuck out in the middle of fucking nowhere, several decades travel from the nearest Federation outpost. It hardly mattered at that point if she was asking truly for the sake of the largely absent federation organization, or asking for personal reasons to greater understand this engineer who was another player in her ship of the damned.

"Well, we did have to outrun the Cardassians and the dominion on several counts. The Jem'Hadar aren't  
>very forgiving," B'Elanna half-smiled in recollection and Kathryn melted inwardly at the beauty of it. "I remember when the whole plasma relay shut down after a direct hit and I had only a few minutes to re-caliber it before the ship would explode and," she laughed for a moment and Kathryn was in heaven, "It's so funny to recall now but at the time it was the most daunting task I've ever faced. I completed it successfully within seconds of the ship exploding. I was seconds away from death… from all of us dying…"<p>

At the mention of it, her expression became grave. Kathryn's eyebrows furrowed in concern. She wanted to reach out and comfort her, but it all passed so fast as B'Elanna's expression immediately changed and her eyes appeared eagerly at Kathryn, waiting for a response. Stupidly, she said the only thing that could come to her uncooperative mind.

"Do you feel ready?" It sounded so stupid the moment she said it, and she regretted it. Of course this woman was ready; she had outsmarted Jem'Hadar for heaven's sake. She had saved a whole Maquis crew on more than one occasion, single handedly from what it appeared, so yes: she was beyond ready for the head position of a Federation-trained engineering crew. There was no questions to her skills, it was her conduct aboard the Voyager that made Kathryn question B'Elanna.

"Well, I know my way around an engineering room, if that's what you mean," B'Elanna replied.

"That's part of what I mean," Kathryn stood up from her chair, unable to sit down. She needed something to distract her racing mind and the only feasible thing to do was to begin pacing the room. Oh hell, what was the point of lying to herself? Really she just wanted to see what she looked like from the back. "As well as your ability to lead when the time calls for it. I'm not sure if I'd be doing you a favor by placing you in charge, there'd be a lot of hard feelings by the senior officers who are in line."

B'Elanna's eyes blazed with intensity, "I'm not bothered by what others think of me."

Kathryn's knees almost buckled. Pacing was not helping. She leaned against her desk for support and continued on with what she was sure any Starfleet captain who wasn't intensely aroused by the presence in their room would interject with, "and the job requires in-depth knowledge on the protocol of Starfleet…"

"Listen Captain," B'Elanna cut her off as she stood up. The annoyance was written all over her face and Kathryn immediately felt the guilt, "if you don't think I'm right for this job, just say so!"

B'Elanna stared at her intently, with piercing brown eyes and it was in that moment that Kathryn was able to overcome her desires as well as her duties, and step forward as one autonomous being speaking to another. Just truth, no bullshit: "I'll be honest, I'm not sure whether you are or not…"

B'Elanna's eyes softened and Kathryn continued, "that's why I wanted to meet. To try and get to know you better…"

B'Elanna's eyes averted to the ground and she folded her hands across her chest. Kathryn wanted to reach out and comfort her, desires aside and all, just to let her know to not be afraid to pursue this position because she has nothing to fear. She is as equally able to attain the position as the other senior officers: it's whether or not she as an individual is ready to accept the duties of chief engineer. B'Elanna's eyes were looking everywhere but at Kathryn. She decided to take advantage of the vulnerability.

"I've been studying your academy records," Kathryn pressed, and a sigh of frustration escaped the klingon's lips.

"Where did you get that?" B'Elanna almost looked furious.

"Tuvok had the names and information of your entire crew by the time we left Deep Space Nine," Kathryn answered. She had no reason to lie about this. At the mention of the Vulcan, B'Elanna's eyes glowered in fury. He was the one who betrayed them, the reason they were stuck on the Voyager with the federation crew. She didn't need to know what was going on in B'Elanna's head, it was all instinctual.

"Four disciplinary hearings, one suspension…my, you had quite a turbulent couple of years, eh?"

"Yeah, I guess you can say that," B'Elanna's eyes fluttered as the memories flooded through her.

"What do you think the problem was?" Kathryn meant for the question to be softer in nature than it sounded and B'Elanna flipped from hearing it.

"The problem? The problem was a system that didn't give anyone a chance to breathe!"

"We work under the same system in this ship," Kathryn defended.

"Then I guess that maybe this is just a bad idea," B'Elanna's voice trembling at the end. She turned quickly on her heels and before Kathryn knew what was happening, she was gone and her office was as empty as she felt.

What just happened? She sighed, but the feelings of confusion and anger overwhelmed her. She sat down in her desk and clasped her forehead in her hands, wanting to cry it all out. Sitting here, arguing against her desires and bolstering the rules of the federation. She snorted_, if this wasn't the story of her goddamn life._

Kathryn sat, reliving what had just happened in her mind, going over every spoken word and gesture and trying to figure out why it had ended badly. There was one pressing reality and it was that she had pushed B'Elanna too far. This whole ordeal was her fault. All she wanted to do was to get to know her, and instead she questioned her about what is clearly a sensitive topic. _Of course it is, why wouldn't it be?_ _  
><em>  
>Her head was pounding uncomfortably. A headache was forming, and with a great sigh she touched her combadge.<p>

"Chakotay?"

"Yes Captain?" His voice was far too enthusiastic, as if expecting to hear promising news about her meeting with B'Elanna.

"I'll be in my quarters the rest of the day, can you man the bridge?"

"Of course Captain…are you alright?"

Tears were falling down her face but her voice gave away nothing: "I'll be fine."

She closed her eyes and allowed them to freely fall. She had wanted this to go differently, desperately. But nothing went how she planned, how she wanted, and she sat there wishing she could go back to the moment when B'Elanna walked into her office so the events could unfold to a different tune. The depression was creeping up through her veins, and she wasn't going to fight it this time. 


	4. Chapter 4: Event Horizon

**Chapter 4**: **Event Horizon**

She couldn't get up. Her mind was screaming, commanding, pleading, but her body lay there lifeless, tears streaming endlessly down her face. She was past the sobbing and moaning, and her chest ached from how hard she had been crying, which left her beyond exasperated so much so that despite needing to desperately use the restroom, she couldn't will herself out of her bed. How was it even possible she _could_pee at this point? Didn't she just cry out an entire ocean? Her depression trumped her biological queries, and she continued listening to the music pouring in through the speakers above her head. It was a playlist of the most depressing songs she's ever encountered. Some days, upon listening to the playlist, she's able to embrace her depression and as a result feels much better by the end of the session. Other days, she simply feels more depressed knowing that others have experienced such anguish and pain throughout human history. Today was one of those days.

"Fuck" she screamed, forcing herself out of bed. She practically ran to the toilet and felt a relief comparable to an orgasm as a river flowed out from her. She leaned her head back against the wall, her eyes fluttering in response to the sensations as the smith's "what difference does it make" played in the background. _I'm feeling very sick and ill today, but I'm still fond of you._

She grinned, "look at me now, Anita." The thought pierced her heart, feelings of anger consumed her and she gritted her teeth. Anita had brought her down to her knees and slapped her to the ground, beat Kathryn to a pulp and left her with nothing, and she shamelessly walked away unharmed. It wasn't fair: it wasn't fair that she began dating the Captain of the Cavalier, who was dashing, prestigious, and an all around successful man. No; and it wasn't fair that all of their mutual friends were passive, shrugging the whole situation off since it wasn't any of their business to become involved in. But isn't injustice not injustice? To wipe your hands clean isn't to remain neutral, but it is to side with the powerful, and in this case to side with injustice! No, it wasn't fair. It wasn't justice! Where was her comeuppance? Kathryn had lost everything when she lost Anita, or at least that's what she had thought before stranding her crew in the middle of the uncharted delta quadrant. It was now, in this moment, that she realized she had truly lost everything: contact with her family, ability to go home, and with the warp drive completely fucked, she had lost her hope to ever return to Earth.

But no tears came. Oh how she wanted to cry! But they didn't come. She was all out of tears, it seemed, and for the first time she smiled wholesomely in relief when the numbness began creeping through her. This was the moment she had been waiting for, working for, and it was here. Beyond tears, beyond hope, beyond anger, beyond pain: this was bliss. It was in her numb moments that she knew what forgiveness was. Kathryn felt dead inside as she wished Anita all the happiness in the world. _I hope all of our friends celebrate happiness with you, for why shouldn't they? Justice doesn't exist, so I'll let go of that silly ideology and wish you the best. But just so you know, Anita: we could have had it all._

When Kathryn was done washing up, she took a good glance at her reflection in the mirror and finding her eyes blood-shot, she washed her face extensively and allowed the water to flush her eyes. Then she used a facial wash to wash away the dirt: it felt as if she was scrubbing at the hurt feelings and pain. At the very least, her face felt clean.

The ground underneath her suddenly shook and she lost her balance, toppling onto the ground. Her surroundings were shaking with malice, as if their intent were to kill her in their violence. She grasped onto the walls desperately for support as she felt her body being tossed around. It felt as if it would never end and she prayed that this would bring her death. Unable to stand the pain in her back as her body contorted into impossible positions, she bit her lip hard and let go of the wall. Her head slammed hard against the opposite wall and the rumblings ceased. The moment had finally passed.

_What the fuck was that?_Her combadge is in the other room and she's scared out of her mind to get up and retrieve it. Despite it, on her hands and knees, she crawls across the floor to the edge of her bed and reaches up to the nightstand. The combadge was already blinking for her recognition.

"Captain, we've hit a quantum singularity," Chakotay's voice is stammering. This is the first anomaly they've hit in space and he sounds just as shaken up about it as she feels.

"I'm on my way," she responded. There's no choice in this matter: she's the Captain of this ship. Fearing another quake, but not having any time to waste, she stands up and crosses the room to her wardrobe and quickly slips into her uniform. She's out of her quarters and onto the lift within seconds, making it to the bridge in less than two minutes. Chakotay's face is paler than Earth's moon, and she doesn't blame him. From the view screen, the anomaly looks more threatening than anything she's ever read about in the academy.

"Report?"

"It appears to be a type four quantum singularity," Paris says from over the controls, "scanners are tracing the boundaries but it appears to be an event horizon…"

His voice trailed off towards the end and Kathryn searched her mind for when she had learned about such anomalies. It's a powerful energy field that has them trapped from the gravitational pull. But how do we get out? Think Kathryn, remember your training.

"Can we repair our warp drive? Get us out on warp nine?" Chakotay suggested.

"No," Kathryn's eyes are fixated on the anomaly, caught in half a day dream, "even at the speed of light we wouldn't be able to escape. The escape-velocities of event horizons are equal to the speed of light. Until we find a solution, I'm afraid we're stuck…"

Any color he had in his face was immediately drained. Kathryn's mind was racing with possibilities, but none of them seemed even remotely possible. This was beyond her immediate capabilities. "Chakotay, summon all the senior officers to the briefing room…"

"And what of engineering?"

"Bring B'Elanna and Carey, we're going to need all the suggestions we can get," Kathryn stated and quickly made way to the briefing room as she overheard Chakotay begin his summoning over the combadge.

Kathryn knew she had to keep her cool, but every fiber in her being was freaking out. She couldn't allow the panic and anxiety to overwhelm her, but there was no denying that those emotions were there. She had to fight it, she had to ignore them and focus on the task at hand. Suddenly, crying over Anita for two hours seemed so very trivial in retrospect to this moment. Next time she should feel sorry for herself over her past, she would have to remind herself of these instances so she could appreciate how precious time is, and to not waste it on the undeserving.

One by one, the senior officers arrived in the briefing room. Commander Chakotay took his usual seat between Lieutenant Commanders Tom Paris and Tuvok at the far right end of the table while Kathryn took her seat closest to the window. The inability to see the stars in the meeting was essential for her concentration, as watching them float by indefinitely without real hope to return to Earth would simply add to her depression.

Commander Chakotay and Lietennant commanders Tom Paris and Tuvok were patiently seated, not saying a word as they waited for the two representatives of the Engineering department. Kathryn couldn't look at them: she was pondering hard about what she had learned about spatial distortions in her graduate studies. Didn't she recently read a case-study about one in the Starfleet science journal? The harder she tried to remember, the emptier her mind felt.

A signaled sound came from the door as B'Elanna and Carey walked through it. From their expressions it was clear that neither of them wanted to be within each other's presence. But Kathryn didn't have time to accommodate personal needs: this was a situation that the crew had to face as a whole.

"Sit," Kathryn gestured to the two empty chairs farthest from her. They hadn't even sat down when Kathryn continued, "I've just glanced over Voyager's data on the spatial distortion coming from the singularity…and quite frankly, I have no idea what's going on."

Chakotay's eyes averted immediately to her. He appeared shocked at her statement, but he could go screw himself. Just because this was supposedly her "expertise," as she studied similar phenomenon in graduate school, does not make her a walking encyclopedia.

She ignored him, "the readings are confusing, at least on my end. The data is contradictory to what I recall learning…."

She looked up pleadingly at Tuvok, whose photogenic memory has never failed to deliver an answer when she needs one. She meticulously avoided B'Elanna's gaze, not wanting to see her reaction to such an ill-prepared captain.

"Ship-wide diagnostics have revealed nothing out of the ordinary," Tuvok stated stoically.

"I tried sending a tachyon signal to scan the singularity," Lieutenant Carey interjected.

Kathryn almost rolled her eyes. That wouldn't work in a million years. What a waste of tachyon pulse, a waste of a suggestion, and a waste of their time! How was he running for senior officer? It sounded as if he didn't know his head from his ass! This is a damn singularity! The tachyon pulse isn't going to be able to read that!

"But all I got back was static," Lieutenant Carey finished.

Kathryn fought the urge to kick him out of the conference room for his stupidity. She was becoming angry at his incompetence.

"B'Elanna, do you think you can work with Mr. Carey to clean up that signal?" Chakotay asked.

Kathryn's eyes bulged open in frustration. _Et tu, Chakotay? Et tu?_

"Yes, I can…but it won't work. I mean, it was a good idea to try it but it won't work," B'Elanna said with such certainty and neutrality that Kathryn couldn't help but gaze admirably up at her. _She knew!_She knew just as Kathryn did that the tachyon pulse wouldn't work! Oh what a mind! What intelligence! Kathryn felt a wave of relief overwhelm her as B'Elanna continued on, "I was just thinking about the problems with the hologram projections, as per in the Medical deck, and it seems like the spatial distortions might be interfering with the projector's phase alignment…"

"Yes!" Kathryn blurted out uncontrollably. THAT was IT! That was the missing puzzle piece that was boggling Kathryn's sloth of a mind. B'Elanna's eyes seemed to brighten at the encouragement and her voice contained a new sense of certainty: "If that's the case, I could screen out those distortions by setting up a localized dampening field around the projectors…"

Kathryn felt herself swooning in her seat. The parameters of the intelligence of this klingon hybrid appeared boundless and she was on the verge of complimenting B'Elanna's revelation when Carey rudely interjected: "Is our priority really the medical hologram system?"

If she could combust with anger, Kathryn would be covered in flames. Her eyes were daggers for Carey in that moment. In fear of him noticing, she averted her eyes back to B'Elanna who, to Kathryn's surprise, calmly blinked away the criticism and stated: "my point is that if the spatial distortions are also interfering with the transmission we received from the other ship earlier, prior to the contact with the anomaly…"

A light bulb went off in Kathryn's mind and she finished B'Elanna's thoughts: "we could set up a similar field around our external sensors and communicate with them."

"Exactly," B'Elanna made eye contact with the captain and it was as if she knew all her thoughts. The connection was undeniable. "And they may know more about what's going on than we do."

"Let's give it a try," Kathryn said more to B'Elanna than everyone else. Their eyes were still locked on one another. She could see the passion enflamed in B'Elanna's eyes: this is what she excelled at. Screw Starfleet Academy training and federation protocol: this woman, this klingon, this beautiful being was the epitome of what a leader of an engineering department ought to be. There was no doubt lingering in her mind.

"Dismissed," Kathryn whispered. She had meant to declare it louder, but her breathe had been taken away by B'Elanna's intellect. She watched B'Elanna rise up with an aura of satisfaction and Kathryn exhaled in awe. She watched the klingon hybrid leave the room before noticing that Chakotay's eyes were narrowed in her direction. His eyebrows were arched, the tattoo proudly displayed with it.

It was an unspoken question but Kathryn nodded in admittance.


	5. Chapter 5: Shuttle Bay Three

**I am so sorry, I know. It's been a long, long time. unforgivable on my end. You have my permission to execute me for the crimes against humanity. I promise you I wont ever do that again. **

**Also, I'm incredibly rusty so please forgive the quality of this chapter. i will polish this up as i write chapter six this weekend. stay tuned, folks! **

**Chapter 5 Shuttle Bay Three**

Kathryn walked upon the bridge to find everyone's startled gazes fixated upon the Event Horizon projected on the screen. Chakotay's expression would seem collected to anyone else who didn't bear the captain's burden, but Kathryn knew his entire foundation was shaking at what was happening. If they didn't escape this Event Horizon, a thought that only the leaders could afford to entertain, they would be forever stuck in this temporal wake, stuck in a place existing outside the normal planes of reality. The pessimist in her insisted it would be no different than returning to the Delta quadrant from whence they came. Or at least in her eyes it would be no different.

"Emitters online, I'm re-routing the dampening field to the deflector grid," B'Elanna stated, hurrying between the engineering consol to the tactical consol. Her hands working fervidly at the screens.

"And what about releasing the warp particles to generate a warp field?" Kathryn asked.

Dark eyes glared intently upon its captain, "I was about to do that now, Captain." The smile that followed was gentle and it took Kathryn aback momentarily. B'Elanna was absolutely beautiful when she smiled. Kathryn couldn't help but smile back.

"Can I assist you in anything?" Kathryn asked.

"I may need you to dampen the warp particles if this first run doesn't work, stay here," B'Elanna said while typing on the engineering counsel. "With your permission Captain?"

Kathryn nodded and watched the viewer screen as the Voyager shot a beam of the warped particles into the Event horizon. Nothing was happening. She watched the screen wearily and glanced back at B'Elanna whose brows were furrowed. "Captain, can I request that you revamp the warp particles, boost the intensity up mock 22.3%?"

She nodded and began modulating the particles on the Engineering counsel. She was suddenly aware at how unusual this must seem to Chakotay and the rest of the crew. It was certainly unconventional for a Captain to working the engineering counsel helping, but she couldn't help herself. Kathryn was passionate about the sciences and engineering, she had always been and if in this moment she could be the one to ensure the ship's surviving the Event Horizon then conventions be damned. Besides, she couldn't deny herself the thrill at working side-by-side with this brilliant woman.

"Done," Kathryn said, nodding at B'Elanna, "make it so, lieutenant."

The second wave of warped particles were shot from the Voyager at the Event Horizon and they all watched eagerly for something, anything to happen. Moments went by marking eternity before B'Elanna cursed under her breath, "I'm sorry, Captain, I was certain that would work."

A sensation of fear began to creep into Kathryn and she felt a single drop of sweat trail down the side of her forehead. This was theoretically supposed to work. What was happening? They didn't have the time to run tests and diagnostics to figure out what was wrong with this. The event horizon was collapsing on them and they were running out of time.

"Projected time of the Event horizon collapse?" Kathryn asked her crew.

"Twenty-eight minutes, Captain," Tuvok responded from his station.

Kathryn's heart began pounding nervously in her chest. B'Elanna came next to her, "Captain, this may not be working because of the distance between the ship and the projected riff in the Event horizon. If we can somehow get closer…."

"The ship is stuck from the gravitational pull, Lieutenant," Kathryn calculated in her head, "but a shuttle craft would work if we can modulate the emergency shuttle photons to hold the warp particles?"

"Yes, yes!" B'Elanna's eyes widened as she understood, "I can do that, give me five minutes?"

"You have three," Kathryn declared, "meet me in shuttle bay three. Chakotay you have the bridge."

Kathryn walked into the Captain's quarters briefly to breathe for a moment. Her heart was pounding too hard in her chest and she felt on the verge of having an anxiety attack. For some unexplainable reason the stress of this situation was making her panic in a way that she had never expected. Why was she freaking out? She's done Captain modules and simulators in Star Fleet Academy hundreds of times, she's encountered foes and scenarios that make this look like a joke. So what was it with this? _Keep your composure, Kathryn, just breathe. _

After several moments of deep breathing, Kathryn felt her heart rate normalize. She was going to be okay. They were going to be okay and she was going to make sure of that. Determined, she made her way down to shuttle bay three where B'Elanna was waiting for her arrival.

"I've modulated the shuttle, we're ready for takeoff, Captain," B'Elanna said.

Kathryn took her seat inside and within a few minutes, they were exiting the Voyager mother vessel and into the cold, emptiness of space. They hadn't said anything in the take off and B'Elanna was piloting the vessel towards the rift in the event horizon. They passed through a cloud of red particles and B'Elanna instructed her to look out for signs of blue tinting among the sea of red.

"The blue tints will be a sign that we're approaching the rift," B'Elanna stated. "Also…I wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity for this mission."

Kathryn's gaze met B'Elanna's and her dark eyes flashed under the light. Kathryn took the bold move of patting her Lieutenant on the back softly, "you deserve it, Lieutenant."  
>"Thank you," B'Elanna smiled, showing her perfect white teeth. Kathryn's were plain in comparison.<p>

"So, how are you enjoying your stay on the Voyager?" Kathryn said after several moments of silence as she continued to scan the red clouds for signs of blue.

"I love it. I know that may come shocking to you given my history with some crewmembers, but I wholesomely love this type of environment. The rigid structure and the fulfilling work, it's what I've always wanted to be a part of and...well, don't tell Chakotay this but I'm secretly glad that you picked us up and we've been given this incredible opportunity. " B'Elanna stated.

The long response surprised Kathryn and she desperately wanted to look at her companion as they made small talk but had to fight the hard urge and stay focused on the task at hand. This was everything she had conceivably fantasized about, and like all of her pressing realities: it fell short because of her Star Fleet duties.

"…and you?"

It took several moments for Kathryn to register that B'Elanna was inquiring about her. It was unexpected and Kathryn wasn't even sure she knew what her lieutenant was asking after.

"Me?" Kathryn absolved to ask, in the end.

"Yes, you," B'Elanna giggled and Kathryn looked down at her, shocked to find the klingon hybrid gleefully enjoying the conversation. "The Voyager was commissioned to you only two weeks ago. How are you enjoying your flight as Captain?"

"Oh, I love it," Kathryn quickly stated. It was too quick for the Klingon and B'Elanna noticed, blushing at her over-zealousness and her demeanor instantly changed as a result. "Captain, I'm sorry I was out of line. You don't have to tell me anything you don't …"

"No," Kathryn quickly interjected, this time locking eyes with the beautiful woman next to her. Her eyes averted back and forth between the two beautiful brown orbs and her heart beat all the harder in that moment. "You're fine, B'Elanna. I was going to tell you how much I love the blueprints of the ship. My quarters are in prime location: half a minute's walk to the mess hall for my morning's black coffee. We've been meaning to get a cook, you know. We left deep space nine prematurely, before we had full staff of cook and medical officer. Luckily for us the medical hologram is the best system that the federation has to offer, equipped with the anatomies and physiologies of thousands of alien species. It's marvelous, actually."

"That does sound wonderful," B'Elanna cupped the side of her face and looked dreamily on at Kathryn.

Kathryn loved the attention and she hated how much she loved the attention because she knew she would have to pull a fast one on this beautiful woman. "As much as I enjoy chatting, Lieutenant, we have to focus on finding the rift. I'm assuming we have less than fifteen minutes to expand the cracks in the rift large enough so that it can vacuum Voyager through."

"Yes, Captain!" B'Elanna sat up seriously in her chair, focusing on the particles outside. Kathryn returned to her duties, too, and they sat in silence for what seemed like a damned eternity.

Finally, B'Elanna pointed to a location that seemed a quarter of a mile away. The two of them began configuring the photon phaser, aiming the beam and firing the warp particles out towards the blue streaks in the red particle clouds. B'Elanna urged Kathryn to keep firing and they watched as the diameter of the crack expanded. The expansion caused a vacuum to occur and the shuttlecraft buckled under the turbulence.

"Hold her steady," Kathryn stated, beginning to feel the anxiety creep back in and her heart pounding faster in response.

"I'm trying, Captain!"

Breathe: one, two, three, four. Out: one, two, three, four. Kathryn looked back at the Voyager and noticed that the ship was slowly shifting back and forth. "It's working, B'Elanna, keep at itttttt"

Kathryn hit her head on the ground hard. The room was spinning and the last thing she remembered was a scared B'Elanna screaming "Captain! Captain, please! Please get up! Captain! I need you!"


End file.
